Follow Through... Kind of

For years I've wanted to eliminate television from my life. In my heart, I'd prefer to live life rather than to just watch... stuff. But that stuff is just so interesting. It's bad enough with great drama, humor that makes me forget the stress of the day and thrilling mysteries, then you've got "reality" tv. Ugh, I would never realize the dream. But last year, around May, I just hit my limit. We had narrowed down to just a few shows but I was a slave to them. Survivor ruled Thursday nights. LOST was a must see. I began to get sucked into The Good Wife. There were others, CSI (which really, I didn't even like), Dateline, Bones, and more. Each one kept me up later than I wanted to be, making me tired and mildly dysfunctional the next day. I would be disappointed that the time Andrew and I had together was spent engrossed in entertainment rather than something more enriching. And, I was frustrated by all the extra messages that were being sent to my mind and heart through the shows themselves and commercials. As the kids were getting older, I didn't want them to see much of what was on after 8pm and, since they were still up, I was aware of a need for a choice. So, as the shows ended their seasons one by one I just stopped turning the TV back on. Eventually, there was no evening TV and only occasionally some PBS shows for the kids.

I noticed some things happening right away. Oddly I would go to bed when I was tired, not when the show ended. Who knew!! I finished a few books that were sitting on my shelf for too long. And, I replaced TV with... dum da da dum... internet time, specifically Faceb**k. What? Isn't this supposed to be some glorious post about how I'm out there living life with no TV? Sorry to fail you, I'm human you know. I love the connection that Faceb**k allows me to have without having to worry that it's too late at night to call or that I may have to cut you off just in the best part of our conversation because someone or something needs me. It's a quick peek into other people's lives when I need a break from my own and it's an outlet for my witty thoughts and comments which might be lost on my younger crowd. (ok I might be stretching a bit on that last one.) But really there is an addiction factor to it, too.

Jeremiah 17:9

The heart is deceitful above all things, and
desperately wicked: who can know it?

Oh, I'm not saying Faceb**k, the internet or even television are "wicked" necessarily. I absolutely do not want to argue the value, or lack there of, of any of it. This is simply about a calling, if you will, for me to minimize these outside sources of input in order to hear God more clearly. My point is the natural drift that occurs in my life because of a heart that is untrustworthy... wicked. The temptation to fill the time I've opened up with more and more... stuff. (I'm like that with clutter, too, but that's a whole other post... or two!!). You may know the verses in the Bible that go something like this, what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do, I do it. The passage ends like this in the NIV:

Romans 7:21-25
21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who
will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

In this stage of my life, with the kids at the ages they are, and Andrew's work schedule as it is, I've found my quiet time with God is at night. In the past I have fought and fought trying to fit in time to read His Word and have moments of worship and prayer, constantly battling interruptions or other draws for my attention. The time was there all along, I was just filling it up with... stuff. Do you see the war waging there? I want the time up yet I keep filling it!

I think the critical turning point came when I stopped trying to turn away from something, TV time to start with, and began desiring time with God even more. I have longed for time with Him, I have prayed that I would long for it even more, enough so that priorities would align themselves appropriately. Slowly, time with the Lord, reading with the kids, even quietness, are becoming more attractive than the alternatives that were so hard to deny in the past. I honestly don't miss television, which I have not been able to say in the past. In fact, recently our connection to the converter box was broken which means the ability to watch our four stations is now not an option. I have to chuckle, it happened at the perfect time! No big deal, I'm not missing anything.

And so, I continue on this pilgrimage, winning some, losing some... losing lots, but I feel pretty good about the TV deal, like I actually followed through on something... kind of. Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Trust Me

Praise the Lord we're expecting another baby early this summer. Specifically when, you ask? Aha, I learned my lesson with dear little Eliza who came 13 days after her ESTIMATED due date. Let's go ahead and keep it a general time frame. It's just easier that way. *snicker, snicker* Hopefully after we finish up school for the year but before the public schools are let out (just because I know they are letting out later and later these days!) we'll be holding the newest Nordstrom.

Next week is our ultrasound, but before we get to that I want to share the journey to this point. Over the past year I have felt God pressing in on my heart such a strong desire for a large family. I ran into large families at every turn: swimming lessons, field trips, art classes, grocery shopping, travelling, Craigslist exchanges, everywhere! This gave me the opportunity to ask the mothers all kinds of questions. Despite my desire for more children, I couldn't help but realize my own inadequacies and failures and feared that pursing a larger family would only make those things worse. Did they ever feel the same way? How did they manage life with so many children? What obstacles do they face? Did they ever feel "done" with having kids? Why did they chose to pursue a big family?

Deep down I think my general feeling was that I should get my life all together first and then...

Have you been there? Whatever it is, don't we want to get all our ducks in a row first. "Look, Lord, see my great plan!! See how I've got this all laid out just right. I'm ready now! Lord?" But the testimonies I heard from so many of these moms is that you are given the strength, ability, and grace when you get there, and not before. Could that be true? Do the ducks actually line up behind you? (HA! That's kind of funny in a big family, lots of ducklings kind of way!)

One night Andrew and I were discussing children, my age (just hit 35, the magic "old mom" age where you are at higher risk for everything "bad"), our stage (crazy schedules, at the time zero money coming in), just life in general and whether or not we should make permanent decisions regarding future children. Choosing to have a baby is just as permanent a decision as choosing to have surgery to prevent pregnancy. I laid out several great arguments as to why we should be done, most of them listed above, and a tiny little mention of my desire for more children. My dear hubby disregarded all previous arguments and agreed that he too wanted more kids. Fear seized my heart immediately as all the negative "what ifs" came charging into my heart pointing accusing fingers at me in judgement saying, "What are you thinking?". But in the next moment I heard an almost audible voice say, "Trust Me." That was all, but it was clear and I was instantly at peace. I knew that if I didn't get pregnant that was God's way of saying, "I'm in control, I know you and you are done." I also knew that if I did get pregnant He was leading me down that path and I could trust Him not to leave me.

Three months later I knew I was pregnant and confirmed it with the pee stick test. Two lines. Life is changing. So happy!!

The timing of this pregnancy, though, was the first test before me. Our first baby girl, Faith Petra Joy, had an extra chromosome and the way her body formed was deemed "incompatible with life". This proved to be true as she was born still at 42 weeks. At the time, the likelihood of this happening was less than 1%. Wow, such great odds and still we got hit. This baby is due nearly the same time that Faith was and now, at the "dreaded" 35 years old, these odds have not gotten better for us (I refuse to actually look them up, it's like adding fear fuel to the fire I'm trying to keep extinguished). I couldn't help but ponder if this time of the year was just cursed for us and we'd need to go through a repeat of 12 years ago. I also wondered if God was sort of redeeming the time and giving us a baby in a month where I'm always reminded of how my arms ached for our first child. In a way though, June was sacred, just for Faith, and I was a little disappointed that this new one might overshadow her time since she's not here to say, "Hey! This is my birthday, too!!" Then I remembered, "Trust Me." All the "spaghetti brain" thoughts had to stop. I'd know when we got there if the baby would live, if the baby would be healthy, and even when the baby's birth date would fall.

The next testing time was rather on going for a few months. I had an extended time of spotting, enough that I feared a miscarriage was trying to happen. Frequent trips to the bathroom were a time for Satan to prick my heart with fear and whisper, "Somethings wrong!" Because I am with a homebirth midwife the approach to these matters is a lot more responsive rather than reactive. I could have run in and gotten early ultrasounds and looked for a heart beat but I chose to wait. There were no symptoms of any other problems and I decided that "Trust Me" meant through it all. This pregnancy would either continue or it wouldn't and we'd know soon enough. As the spotting continued, the midwife recommended bedrest and red raspberry leaf tea in case the placenta was just needing to firm up it's attachment to the uterus and my activity level was causing the bleeding. This helped but was hard with 4 homeschool kiddos. Finally as I neared the second trimester it seemed that all spotting was over and we actually heard the little heartbeat. *sigh* This either meant that an unhealthy baby had fought through a miscarriage again or that everything was fine and we'd proceed with a completely healthy pregnancy. "Trust Me."

The third testing time was a hard one. Right at 12 weeks I had met a woman whose estimated due date was the exact same date as mine. Crazy! I even slipped and told her excitedly that we shared a due date. Just a few days later a mutual friend called and said that this woman's baby had passed away. This hit hard as I realized the same could be true of my child at any time. I drove right over to the midwife's house and asked if we could try for a heartbeat again. She welcomed me in and we heard that magical sound of life right away. I celebrated for myself and our blessing but I grieved for the dear family whose baby would not be arriving as planned.

Almost four weeks later, more spotting, bright red, plenty of it. Crap. This is it. The midwife came right over and told me to give her a minute to find the heart beat. I'm not sure if I even breathed and then... there it was. Life. The quick, sweet, little heart, beating away. With no other symptoms I again opted out of an ultrasound. Also, for the first time I opted out of a quadscreen, the test that looks for chromosome abnormalities among other things. I always depended on that test to give me a heads up as we headed to the ultrasound just a few weeks later. This time I realized whatever the test says won't change a thing so I may as well wait for the ultrasound. Also there is a high percentage of false positives and who needs that stress!! "Trust Me."

At each time of spotting I googled like crazy trying to make sure I was aware of any other symptoms, dying to predict the future really. It was interesting that each time I followed a rabbit trail of symptoms and outcomes there were two options that consistently popped up: pending miscarriage or twins. Those two potential realities of either no baby or two babies struck me as a choice. I could worry and fret over a possible loss or I could have my breath taken away in awe of a possible double blessing. I decided to wander down the "what if" road of twins. It's a lot more fun. Obviously in the middle is one healthy baby, but who takes the middle road!

I have no idea what next weekend's ultrasound will reveal but we'll get a little peek into what God has been doing inside me. It will be a time to know more, but still not all. "Trust Me." And so I do, with great hope and expectation. I am trusting you Lord, what are you doing?

Don't Forget Your Shoes!

What thrilling news we received this week. Our former lead pastor, John Stumbo, was brought back from death's doorstep over a year ago and has been recovering from a rare illness for these many months since. You can see, bit by bit, that his strength has been returning to him, though he is by no means running races or anywhere near where he was before this all hit. But, this week he announced that his ability to swallow has been restored. This has been prayed for by so many people, locally and around the world, for so long. Praise the Lord!! What a blessing.

After my initial reaction of excitment and praise to God our healer, my secondary reaction was one of grief for myself. You see, I prayed fervently for many months, and then occassionally as his name came to mind, and then more recently, even when I thought of him, I just forgot to keep praying. I realize that God didn't need me to pray the exact day John was healed, but I just feel like I missed out a little. My desire is to always be on my toes, ready to give and answer, a warrior equipped for battle and ready for the call whether that be prayer or giving or action. How embarrassing, the call came and I was... what? distracted? I didn't hear it ring? Was I too tired? or maybe bored with the same prayers?

This theme has been in my face for a few weeks really. I've spoken with broken hearted people and have had no encouraging words. Not wanting to speak my own opinions into situations, I've prayed, "Lord what's the truth, what would you have me say here?" *crickets* "Why can't I hear you, Lord?" I pray and I don't have passionate direction to my prayers... almost like they're a little forced. So I feel like there's opportunities before me to pray or encourage or bless and they're passing me by. It's like I'm watching strike after strike cross the plate and I'm just standing there.

To use another sports picture, it's like I'm asking God, my coach, "Why didn't I get to play in the game?" And, it's not that God is looking at me and thinking, "Sheesh, I'm not even sure I want you on the team" or "Well, this was a tough opponent and we only wanted our best players out there". But maybe He's saying something like, "You could have played, but you're not wearing your shoes". Oh!

So today I'm looking at what have I been doing to be prepared to give an answer? How have I been ordering my days so that my prayer life is active and has room to respond to God's prompting? My Bible has been mostly shut for a few weeks. My prayers have been often self focused, mostly complaining or arrows of "help" sent up. Though there have been moments of intense prayers as well, they are random and sporadic rather than intentional.

So, what's the good news? The good news is that God is God. His will will be accomplished. I can celebrate John's healing along with the daily prayers, and the ones who fasted from ice cream for all these months because my team had a victory! Even though I wasn't on the court at the moment of victory, it is a victory and I am thrilled. And, this isn't over, I still have opportunities to "play", whatever my role might be.

What a thrill to remember that the King of Kings chooses to use us to accomplish his plans. You know what? I'm going to make sure I've got my shoes on!!

Redeemed

I heard a powerful testimony this past weekend, one of healing and forgiveness and overcoming. I love how God can use our most painful experiences, our failures, and mistakes, for His purposes. He redeems them! Today Mia misread her math assignment, quite frankly she assumed she was doing her doubles subtraction work, which is very easy for her. She knows you can just look at the the bottom number and that's the answer. 16-8=8 But, doubles work was yesterday, today the answers needed a different approach. Mia is a hard worker, she gets 100% almost every time, and she takes pride in that. Today, she got most problems wrong. This was devastating. Suddenly, she hated math, she hated school, she did not want to redo the work, she was a bucket of tears and frustration. Once again, the theme of redemption popped into my mind. I always circle the incorrect answers and put stars on the right ones. As the kids correct each mistake, I turn the circles into a smiley face or a puppy depending on my mood. This makes it fun for the kids, they get a secondary "reward" even if they didn't get the first star, and helps clarify which ones have been made right. Today though, I needed to go above and beyond to show her what can happen with old mistakes that are redeemed. Today's marks of error, signs of her mistake, were turned into beautiful princesses complete with starry wands. I cried through the whole thing. What a gift the Holy Spirit prompted me to give her. She was thrilled with the result and I was able to tell her, through my tears, that no matter what happens in her life she can always go to her Heavenly Father for redemption and he will make something beautiful from it.

You always have choices. You can crumple in defeat, and quit when you make mistakes or are hurt. You can hide and pretend they didn't happen. You can lash out and hurt other people, leaving a trail of further devastation behind you. Or you can allow God to change you, redeem you, and use those things for beautiful purposes that He has planned in advance for you.

Lord, my paper of a life is filled with lots of circles. Even the few stars I have are mostly just luck! But I turn myself into you for correction and healing. Make my mistakes, failures, and hurts something beautiful! AMEN!

Blogging..

Yes, yes, I know there's a giant eye on my blog. At least I finally got the Christmas music off. I've been here 2 hours trying to post a new "spring-ish" picture for our header but, since I mostly use my phone to take pictures these days, it posed a few problems for me. One is that when the phone and blogger communicate apparently blogger doesn't get the message to "shrink to fit" the picture. I sympathize with the phone. I've got a few people in my life who don't get the message sometimes, too. *sigh* But, we patiently make do with what we've got for now and plan to pour more time into making it perfect later. In the meantime I've used up most of my mental energy and it's way past my bedtime so... no new post. I can't wait to get back though! I really do love blogging.

Birthday #1

It must be hard to be the fourth child but WOW! so much fun, too. Poor Eliza didn't get a blog post on her birthday or one following her party either. But she is much loved and I'd like to share a few pictures from her special day.

We followed our tradition of dedicating our children to the Lord on their one year birthday. Our pastor Steve and his wife Trina came out to the house, as well as family and some good friends. It was also the day several of our pastor's kids went back to college after the Christmas break so I felt like his prayer and his heart were particularly knowing since they've been there themselves and are further down the road. We were blessed!

Here's Eliza with her friend Berlin. They're only 3 months apart (Eliza's older!). Isn't that cute, they're holding hands!

Around the party table ou can see cousin Mackenzie, Mia and her friend Olivia, and Eliza still enjoying her cake.

Gramma Linda helped Eliza open her presents which we finally remembered to get to after almost everybody had left.

I love you sweet child of mine. God is generous in giving us you, my beautiful, wished for child. You are such a joy and gift to our family. You sure do keep me on my toes climbing on everything and running all over the house. Phew! I can't imagine what the future holds for you with your determination.

Love

In honor of Valentine's Day I thought I'd ponder love today. My understanding of love has changed through the years. Romantic love began as an ideal I created. I was completely in control of how Barbie and Ken interacted. As I got older, I tossed around lots of "shoulds" that I thought would create a perfect man and therefore a perfect relationship. A man should take out the garbage daily and work from 8am-5pm, arriving just before dinner to help get the family settled around for the meal. He should lead the family in Bible study and prayer, gathering everyone quietly around the living room, shortly before bed. He should buy flowers on special occasions and even not so special ones, too. He should treat his wife like a princess... a queen even! The list went on.
But as I grew into a real relationship, reality challenged that ideal. I realized I had a choice to either hold on to those ideals and become bitter with frustration and disappointment or allow myself and my love to be purified.

The Bible says one of the curses of Eve's apple eating flub up was that she would desire her husband and he would rule over her. (Now how am I going to get my "shoulds" taken care of that way?!). But, I set about working hard to mold my husband into who he should be from my perspective. I tried gently nudging him towards this mold with subtle hints and loving suggestions for "improvement". When this didn't work I tried everything else: yelling, crying, nagging, "helpful" books, marriage conferences, relationship retreats, etc. etc..

One day I landed on the video series "Love and Respect". This was the first time that I had ever heard that men have a different need than women in a relationship. I recognized my need for love but he was just as adamant that his need was for my respect. Well, with this new information, I realized how far short I had fallen for him as a wife. I decided to work on myself first... and then get back to my man perfecting practices.
Strangely, each time I chose to respect him, to give him room to be himself, to answer gently instead of sarcastically, to allow him to lead his way, etc. etc. it was as if my eyes were opened more and more to the amazing man that was already there. I have realized over the past couple of years that I am becoming more appreciative of art, God's art, creatively displayed in different human beings that do not fit into molds, even within my marriage. I'm so grateful that I began on this new path because it applies to parenting and friendships and working with people in general.
I decided to take this practice of respect to the basketball court. Andrew volunteered to coach Josiah's basketball team this year. You should know that I am the basketball player in the family. I knew that nothing he would do as a coach would be how I would do it. Just as we are polar opposite in every other part of our personalities, we would approach coaching differently, too. I also knew that a critical attitude would ruin the experience for everyone: him, Josiah, and probably the team. So I decided that I would not watch practices, this would limit my opportunities to be critical to just games and I thought I could manage to have tongue control once a week. I'm sure you can guess the out come. First of all, they're all having fun! I knew it. Josiah thinks it's so cool to have his dad as his coach. Second of all, players and parents are happy and praising their coach after every game and practice. In fact it's getting a little overboard... "alright already!" :) Thirdly, other parents on other teams are coming to him telling him what a great job he's doing. (I'm trying not to take this personally, after all they've never seen me coach. HA!) It's amazing how such a seemingly small role, coaching your kid's team, is making such a big impact in people's lives.
So, there is one other benefit that I've gotten to enjoy as a result of my original choice. I'm basking in the glory of being "that guy's" wife. Proverbs 31:23 says, "Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land." It's odd that in the middle of this section about a noble wife, there is a passage about her husband. But I believe her respect for him and her behavior allows him to fulfill all that God has planned for him. She really could make or break him. And, because of his position "at the gate", it is a reflection upon her. I was constantly reminded of this little verse this season and it's been exciting to watch how it all unfolds. Glad I didn't interfere!!