Jethro's Birth Story

40 weeks had come and gone.  41 weeks had come and gone.  Here I was at 42 weeks gestation and staring down an extra ultrasound to make sure my placenta was still doing it's job and that Jethro was still thriving.  I was quite confident that both of us were doing fine, but I was not at peace with the fact that at 42 weeks I'd only had a handful of braxton hicks contractions THE ENTIRE PREGNANCY.  This is not my normal mode of operation.  In the past, I'd always had weeks of on and off contractions in preparation for the big day.  My biggest fear was that my uterus would not be ready to perform.  You can't go to game time without some warm up!  At the very end, I began to wonder if perhaps we missed a trisomy issue that would cause a lack of progression.  But baby was obviously full size and there were no "soft signs" of any problems, so it was a small concern. 

I would like to say I was a patient mama with a soft glow of Godly maturity highlighting my countenance... but I wasn't.  By 41 weeks I was ready to try to prompt at least a few rounds of contractions even if that meant not actually starting labor.  I tried a regimen of black and blue cohosh and castor oil among myriads of other "natural" ways to start labor.  I got one hour of contractions that day while I rode the quad around hitting all the bumps.  That was it.  Discouraging to say the least.  Days later I felt like I needed a break to talk to God and be alone.  So, while the kids put on a movie, I took to the quad again.  Unexpectedly the Lord confronted me with several internal issues that needed dealing with.  I felt a need to release several things that I had not forgiven over the years.  At first there were just some obvious, more current hurts that I needed to forgive, but then it was like a flood gate opened and I realized how much I was holding on to, little hurts and offenses that I sort of set aside but that were building up as resentment within me.  This was not what I was searching for on my afternoon ride but quite clearly it was something that needed to be dealt with.  When the tears were too much, I parked the quad in the back field and wept out forgiveness to, um... just about everyone.  Wow.  I didn't know it was in there.  A lot of it was forgotten to my conscience but, as it came out, the release was huge.  I begged God to forgive me for holding on to all this and was so grateful that this healing moment, as unflattering as it was, would forever be apart of Jethro's birth story.  I came back to the house much lighter internally, but with no contractions.  However, I knew that my heart was prepared to labor freely and completely when the time came. 

Two days later, at 42 weeks, we needed to schedule that ultrasound and so I gave it one more shot with caster oil and a few other "natural" labor inducers in order to avoid 2 hours in the car and the cost of an ultrasound that I knew would reveal perfect health.  By midnight I was up with non-labor contractions, really just cramping from the caster oil.  This woke me every hour or so and by 3am I needed to be up and walk around and to visit the commode periodically.  Lovely.  Slowly but surely, the contractions did begin to change into uterine contractions and I was hopeful that we might have gotten something started.  At 5am I sent text messages to my dear friends who would need extra time to come attend the birth if possible.  I said, "Just a heads up.  I've been having contractions and I think today's the day.  I'll let you know in a bit."  About a half hour later I called the midwife and talked and laughed with her that maybe things were happening today.  She had a few of us "overdue" and currently due and I just wanted to get first in line if possible.  Selfish I know.  She said she'd take a shower and eat and start to head our way.  As soon as we hung up I was hit with a genuine labor contraction and I wished that I hadn't been so "aww, take your time" about things on the phone.  I asked Andrew to fill up the tub and he got to work on that, as well as patching a small hole he found, then he called my mom so she could start coming as well.  I walked around the house trying to keep the steady contraction ball rolling in the right direction and it definitely was.  I also needed to post to facebook that I was having contractions; so many people had been praying for us and I knew would continue to do so through this labor and delivery.  I probably got into the tub around 6am.  It was just Andrew and I there.  He called my dad to come watch the kids in a couple hours.  (I knew we didn't have hours but I didn't want people there too early.)  I told the kids, "It's not time yet" and sent them to start a movie downstairs.  At first it was "laboring as usual" as I began to survive the early contractions before transition and pushing, but then some thoughts hit me that changed everything. 

Several weeks before, a friend had posted about pain in labor and how it is different than regular pain.  Labor pain is the pain of working.  It is how God designed our bodies to work with us to get our babies out of our bodies.  It isn't something to be fought.  It's to be worked with.  I had also discussed with the midwife and her apprentice about natural adrenal drops called "rescue remedy".  Essentially these help when your body is beginning to "freak out" so that you can relax and get back to work.  For example, if you started to hyperventilate or shake, essentially panic, that might be a good time for rescue remedy.  I suppose before that extreme response it might be good, too, but this was just my tiny take on it.  They told me a couple of stories where, after rescue remedy, the women were able to relax and calmly labor on for a wonderful, peaceful birth.  I realized that I could achieve the same effect by mentally choosing not to enter emergency mode and to avoid stimulating a "fight or flight" adrenal response (which I so eloquently called "freak out" earlier).  Just like when the kids are hurt and I flip the mental switch so I remain calm and thinking and can respond appropriately.  Just like when I deal with angry people and flip the switch so I'm able to respond without being touched by their anger.  I knew this would be key in laboring better as well.  I would need to identify the time when I was conditioned to respond as if it were an emergency and flip the switch from a kind of fear mode to "time to be patient and work with my body" mode. 

So I settled down in the tub, with a cold wash cloth in hand, and just felt my body working.  It was amazing.  Eyes closed, I would rub my face, neck and chest with the cold cloth through the most intense contractions, often gently rubbing my tight belly and sometimes quietly whispering "down, down, down", breathing in deeply through my nose at the beginning and exhaling through my mouth, to encourage relaxation. If I felt baby move I would pray for God to position him just right for an easy delivery.  As the contraction relaxed I would just melt back against Andrew's knees and wait quietly for the next one.  I welcomed each contraction and could truly feel it moving baby down.  Breaks felt so long between contractions but I was at peace with the timing and the work that was being accomplished.  Soon I felt the very end of one of the contractions draw out a need to push from within me.  The next contraction did the same.  The progress was amazing.  We were here, at the threshold of pushing, and I had relaxed through the entire thing.  It was around this time that I heard the midwife arrive.  Andrew stood to go greet her at the door but I whispered not to leave, she knew the way.  I heard him tell her we probably had a couple hours.  I whispered, "He's coming soon."  The apprentice arrived next and I had a few more pushing contractions.  She tried to check for baby's heartbeat to see how he was responding to labor but he's always been hard to find due to the placenta being attached in the front.  A friend who was bringing her camera with her was the next to arrive and she began setting up.  The girls popped in to check on me and one of them encouraged me, "You're doing good mom."  I could only respond that it wasn't time yet.  At the advice of my midwife I rolled over to my knees so we could insure baby's cord wasn't being compressed.  Just a few minutes later my mom arrived and I was already actively pushing.  I could feel baby moving down but, as I checked on my progress, could not feel his head yet.  Also, I had not felt my water break.  The midwife helped with stretching and guiding baby's head down.  He took his time.  His head came through broadly centered, rather than tipped, with the back of the head leading, so it was a lot of work and explains why I couldn't feel him crowning and probably part of why I didn't have any braxton hicks.  I put all my energy and focus into pushing and did not vocally express as much as I have in the past.  Finally his head was out.  I heard encouragement to keep working hard.  I had to keep pushing to get his broad shoulders through as well.  Finally he slipped out and the midwife passed him to me between my legs.  She told me to grab my baby.  I was so relaxed even though I was working so hard.  I grabbed him and pulled him up. 

For the first time I didn't feel the need to ask if he was alright.  I was so confident of the process, I just savored him and rubbed his little body all over.  He was covered in thick vernix.  I've never had such a buttery baby!  He cried just a bit and I held him in the water, trying to keep him warm and just admiring what God had been up to these past 42 weeks.  "Get the kids" was the first thing I said.  We left the cord attached until it was thoroughly done pulsing and he got all that good oxygen filled blood into his body.  I have no idea when my water broke.  I've always felt it break in labor.  In the hospital of course they broke my water to "speed things up".  With Jack it broke as he was being born.  I wonder if maybe my water broke days before as I had noticed a little trickling from time to time, but still, I felt no gush at any time and my fluid levels were good.  It's a mystery.

This labor and delivery were a pure miracle to me.  A blessing, a gift... I wish every woman could experience it.  Complete confidence, peace...  I've delivered 6 babies before Jethro.  I know that it was much different this time because of the change in me.  There is a night and day difference between home birthing and hospital birthing, so much so that it's hard to even begin to explain to people.  But even beyond that, there was such a benefit to understanding and embracing the process of birth and controlling my emotional response which affects the physical adrenal response.  God's presence was evident as he led me through the entire thing.

So, the worst parts of this birth were, first, delivering the HUGE placenta.  It was basically another small child only uglier and interrupting my time with Jethro.  Also, I believe because I had taken the caster oil before bed, and my body had eliminated all food reserves by morning, I threw off my blood sugar.  I was having severe cramping for after pains, much worse than I've ever had in the past.  I felt weak and shortly I was unable to hold Jethro or even really sit up.  I was not losing a lot of blood but I was definitely "off".  All I knew was that something was wrong.  I asked the midwife to check my blood sugar, I was sure it was low, even after eating apples and peanut butter and a scone to try to get my energy up.  In fact, my blood sugar was high, probably my body compensating for lack of food during labor.  I cancelled my order for orange juice and asked for cottage cheese (Nancy's cottage cheese THE BEST EVER!!).  Within in just a few bites I was revived and feeling great.  Cramps became a normal level, just regular after birth pain and not as frequent.  I could enjoy my newborn again and get on to all the measurements and checking him out.  He was 9 lbs even and 21 1/2" long.

When it was all said and done the midwife said Jethro was not an overdue baby and would have been fine in there another week even.  Due to the physical response I had afterward, I don't think I will use caster oil again in the future.  I think I'll trust the process and wait for his time completely.  (Remind me of this at 42 weeks next time!!).  I loved her comment in the end, "Some babies just cook longer."  He was perfectly done and has been a content, peaceful baby.

Welcome to the world Jethro Asher Daniel Nordstrom.  We love you so much!

Slow and steady wins the race.

Jethro... meaning His excellence, his posterity, overflowing, abundance... over and above!  Thank you Lord!  This has been so true of his birth and his life so far.

Asher... meaning happy, blessed.  You are so content and bring much happiness to our family.  Truly a blessing!

Daniel... meaning God is my judge.  May you always remember that it is God's good opinion and judgement that matters most.

Waiting and Blessings

I got up before the sun today in order to walk quietly with God and try to hear his voice and direction regarding this pregnancy, Jethro, what to do to start labor.  Farms are noisy, so I wasn't really "alone" with God.  One thing that's encouraging is that God knows Jethro's birthday already.  Right now he is completely fulfilling his purpose and is in complete obedience to God.  He is fearfully and wonderfully made and God knows that as his creator.  My job is to follow Him as well and wait on His time.

I wanted to write out a blessing for each of the kids.  Andrew gets to give us all a blessing at our more complete Sabbath dinners.  It's powerful each time.

Josiah:  May God continue to grow you in strength and boldness.  May you look beyond what's right in front of you to see what God's vision is for you in his grand plan and may you readily join him in accomplishing it.  May you be sensitive to the needs of others and allow them to be honored and cared for above yourself as you know your value and protection lies in God alone. 

Mia:  May God continue to grow you in fearlessness and sensitivity.  May you quickly become alert to the needs of others and use your gifts and talents to bless them, as well as to be used by God in accomplishing his purposes.  May you never doubt the beauty, strength and intelligence God has blessed you with and may it always sprout from the inside out and be of such substance that it never fades.

Sierra:  May God continue to grow you in enthusiasm and joy.  May you be quick to share your love with others as you fully experience how loved you are.  May you be known for thoroughly completing the tasks God calls you to.  May you never doubt the beauty, strength and intelligence God has blessed you with and may it always sprout from the inside out and be of such substance that it never fades.


Eliza:  May God continue to grow you in kindness and love.  May you learn to love unconditionally, as God does, and to discover your gifts and talents and use them for the glory of God.  May you continue to be quick to smile and forgive.  May you never doubt the beauty, strength and intelligence God has blessed you with and may it always sprout from the inside out and be of such substance that it never fades.   Jack:  May God continue to grow you in determination and kindness.  May you be able to discern what God's perfect will is and quick to obey him.  May you be sensitive to the needs of others and allow them to be honored and cared for above yourself as you know your value and protection lies in God alone.


Jethro:  May God continue to grow in you a heart of obedience that always waits on his perfect timing.  May you follow after God with your whole heart, never turning to the left or to the right.  May you be sensitive to the needs of others and allow them to be honored and cared for above yourself as you know your value and protection lies in God alone.

After the kids, Andrew does a blessing for me.  Often, I'm moved to tears.  Hearing him speak of me so kindly and express the value of my role and then lift me up before the Lord... it is huge.  Sometimes he reads from Proverbs 31 and I am inspired to fulfil his words, rather than aware of how far I fall short.  It's a powerful time as I said before.  And so, I bless my husband.

Andrew:  May God continue to grow in you strength, fearlessness and determination.  He has used those traits to provide for our family and lead us into beautiful new stages of life.  May you know your value to us, but more importantly, your value to Him.  May you see God's vision for you, for the family and for your work and may you fully embrace it for His glory.  May your heart be responsive to God like David's, your faith as strong as Job's, your heritage as rich as Abraham's and your courage like Daniel's. 

God you are good, you are generous, slow to anger, abounding in love.  Use our family for your glory.  Help us to follow you wherever you lead and to bless others all along the way.

Waiting for Our Overflow

It's always fun to blog right before and right after a big change.  I like comparing my thoughts and feelings before and after and knowing that God already knew the exact outcome from the beginning.  We've had a lot of change in the last year with a quick, unexpected move to a new town and meeting new people, finding a new church and co-op, learning new things about God's Word and following him to new and unexpected places and... expecting a new baby.  With this pregnancy there was so much else going on I sort of put it on the back burner. It takes a while to grow a human being so I knew I had time and we'd cross each bridge as we got to it.  Praises all the way along as we found out he is a healthy baby boy and the pregnancy has gone quite smoothly.  The kids are again thrilled to be adding another sibling.  Sierra is additionally excited that she will officially have a buddy to watch out for now.  I am so blessed to be able to have the same midwife that I had with Jack and we hope to be birthing at home any day now.  The EDD (estimated due date, which puts you in the middle of 38-42 weeks which is a normal gestation period) has come and gone but I can feel that we're close.  At my appointment yesterday we put together our "go" plan which does serve it's purpose practically but also just keeps me sane so I have something to do besides just wait for our boy's arrival.  My plan includes drinking a parsley "tea" to raise my iron levels, taking extra vitamin C and chlorophyll to help combat any possible group beta strep, taking evening primrose oil orally and internally to soften the cervix, cleaning the house Friday and scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees, I added scrubbing carpet stains just for good measure, an epsom salt soak for the magnesium to help with swelling which has been bad this year while we enjoy spectacularly warm weather, drinking red raspberry leaf tea to support my uterus in all the work it'll be doing and to follow all this with a rest on Saturday.  The "plan" is to go into labor Saturday night and have the baby on Mother's Day.  So, doesn't that sound great.  I'll post his birth story after he's come and hopefully I'll remember to actually click 'post' so it doesn't sit for two years!  (Poor Jack.)

A Letter of Welcome to our #7...
Dear Jethro,
God is so good to bless us with you.  You are the first baby where I was pretty confident that you would be a boy and I was right... unless there is a surprise in store!!  Your name means abundance or overflowing and it fits so well.  I am not worthy to receive this overflowing blessing of another child but I am so very grateful for it.  I can't wait to see your sweet face and cuddle your tiny body, to watch you grow and change so quickly.  My biggest fear is the number of people in the family that want to hold you... will I get enough time?  This will be our first time with brothers so close in age, just less than two years, and I expect that will add some new dynamics to the family.  Our life is full of farm adventures, hard work and rich blessings.  We spend lots of time together and I can't wait to add you to all this.  Our new church family has literally flooded you and me with gifts of welcome.  You will definitely be fashionable and your feet won't get cold either!  This year many little fruit trees were planted and when I think of them growing right along side you it thrills me.  You will be our sixth child at home, Lord willing, and I think that is wonderful.  We are ready for you sweet boy.  You can come at any time.
Love you already,
your mama

Homebirth... Take Two!! Jack's Birth Story 2011

It was Tuesday, June 7th, and I was experiencing definite labor contractions but with no consistent rhythm, sometimes 5 minutes apart, then 8 minutes, then 4 or even 3 minutes.  Grrrr!  What was this?  Not wanting a repeat of the last minute rush I had when birthing Eliza, I decided to fake the confident response and text and call my support team and the midwife.  "Don't come, this is just a heads up.  I think he's coming tonight."  Ok, fine, deep inside I was hoping that acting like I was sure he was coming would help prompt him to really come.  Well, within a couple of hours things had slowed down significantly and I was concerned that perhaps I spoke to soon.  It was nearing 9pm so I told the kids to go ahead and go to bed, we'd wake them if it was truly time.  I called the midwife and told her that things had slowed down and also that I was feeling movement "down low" which made me wonder if he had his hands above his head which might impede or prolong labor.  She decided to come over to evaluate for herself.  See, this is how it's supposed to go with a midwife.  They take care of you.  How wonderful.  Normally we don't "check" progress in labor as opposed to when I was with a doctor who needed to know if there was any dialation from 38 weeks on.  Brother, talk about a set up!  You can be 3cm for weeks or you can go from 0 to 10cm in just a few short hours.  There is no point in "checking" and potentially introducing bacteria to the birth canal.  That is unless there is a point, like determining the baby's position or if their hands are above their heads.  The midwife came and pushed my very pregnant belly around feeling the position that Jack was in and determining where his head was.  Head down, praise the Lord, but not down in the pelvis like impending birth requires.  Then she did the check.  I was 3cm I believe but what was more insightful was that his hand was indeed above his head.  Darn!  This will be a tough labor unless some things change.  She moved him around a bit again and this time felt his head drop down into the pelvis, into position to potentially move things along.  We discussed my options.  She said I could go to the hospital, get pitocin and pound him out, after all he was ready.  Or, we could wait and it may take hours or even a week or two for him to work his way down with his hand wanting to be above his head like that.  In the meantime, I could lay with my hips up to try to gravitate him back up and then lay on my left side to try to get him to turn in the direction away from his hand so he would pull it away from his head.  Hmm, hips up for weeks hoping or pound him out?  I have done pitocin four times and I knew I wasn't going to pound any more babies out.  So we wait... and pray. 
Since I knew his head was currently down I decided just to stay on my left side and hope for a slight rotation and the continuation of labor.  I posted to faceb**k asking for prayer that Jack would get in the right position for labor.  Several responses came back.  What a blessing to be joined by prayer warriors during labor.  Two hours later I couldn't stay in bed any longer.  It was 11:30pm and the contractions were keeping me awake and were very uncomfortable.  It was not consistent and I had long breaks in between contractions, 5 minutes usually, still I decided to call the midwife and ask what she thought.  Labor or not she said she'd come and just sleep on my couch if things were not progressing.  At this point I really wanted the comfort of the birthing tub but was so worried it would all be in vain and a waste of the warm water that I would want in "real" labor.  But Andrew said to go for it, so we filled 'er up.  I made the mistake of telling him to make it bathwater warm and forgot how hot the water he bathes in is.  OUCH!  It was so hot I was uncomfortable and begging for more cold.  Just like last time, as soon as I got in the pool labor slowed even more and I just relaxed.  But, when contractions came, they were killers.  I decided to call my mom and my friend, who were my support people, so they could start coming.  When the midwife arrived she said as soon as she heard me laboring she knew this was it and she called her two apprentices whom I had met at previous appointments.  I was thrilled that things were happening yet still able to relax between contractions.  This was odd.
Everyone arrived in good time and I was able to discuss how and when to video, when to get the kids, how things were going.  I had several awesome differences with this labor.  One was that I was able to communicate my needs to Andrew and my other support people better.  In the past I could hear in my head what I needed but could not verbalize.  I mentioned that to the midwife at one of my appointments and she said that's fairly normal.  This time I could do it though.
Another wonderful difference was that the midwife added aromatherapy oils to the water.  AWESOME!!!  Between contractions I could actually imagine I was at the spa preparing for a massage.  Ahhh.  That was wonderful.  Lights were kept low and voices quiet.  It was my space as I labored on my knees in the now warm water while leaning over on Andrew's lap and gripping his shirt for relief.  As in the past I was very vocal through first stage contractions but as I hit transition the midwife offered a suggestion of putting all my effort into pushing.  It's wonderful to learn how to effectively labor.  The first stage of labor is to be survived through and all my effort is put into helping contractions be effective while managing the pain, which for me means a verbal outburst and squeezing wash cloths, tshirts, bedding that happens to be nearby, my dear hubby's hand, etc.  It also means a cold wash cloth to my forhead between contractions and two handed, firm massage on my shoulders during.  Despite the pain all things were just as I needed them.  Transition is a time to start working.  The urge to push becomes overwhelming and all energies should be put towards that pushing.  So as this phase started she encouraged me this way.
Another difference in this labor is that I had not had my water break yet.  Water breaking in the past had meant baby was coming soon.  In the hospital it was a tool to "get things going" and they always broke my bag of waters.  At my first homebirth I experienced spontanious breaking while in the birthing tub and at that point labor really got moving quickly.  So this time, in my mind, I had a long way to go since my water had not broken and because I believed that Jack would be a 10lb baby and would take some work to get him out.  The midwife, hearing the change in me and knowing I was in transition, made her suggestion of focus and effort and checked for Jack's head.  Then she said these magic words, "Baby is right there just waiting for you to push him out."  Hold the phone!!  He's waiting for me?  That was all I needed to hear.  Andrew said I must have needed the challenge.  He's never been in labor before.  I believe that is challenge enough, but he had a point.  At that time I put all effort into pushing my baby out, water broken or not.  I know babies had been born in the caul, meaning the bag of waters never broke before birth, and that would be fine.  I also knew that since I knew he was so big I'd better get to work.  After this check and fateful comment, the midwife turned around to dry her hands and when she turned back... wha-la!  Baby Jack was here.  I made no short work of it.  My dear friend who had the video camera at the ready was shocked as well.  She was barely able to catch the manuver that enabled me to deliver my own baby.  Since I was on my knees when I birthed Eliza and the pool was bigger, Andrew was in with me caught her as she came behind me then he lifted her up out of the water.  But because I was on my knees facing away, I was unable to see her until we awkwardly got all turned around.  That was one thing I wanted to change this time around.  For me, it is very effective and as comfortable as one can be in labor to be up on my knees, but baby tends to exit to the back.  The midwife and I decided that if this birthing position happened again she would push baby up to me through my legs so I could be the one to lift him up.  This is exactly how things unfolded.  She quickly gave him a little push and I grabbed him up to my chest and sat down laughing and crying.  He was gorgeous and so... new.  I love that squishy, wet, brand new baby moment.  His little eyes blinking, ears hearing sounds clearly for the first time, experiencing air pressure and freedom of movement... what a moment.  He was quiet at first but then found his lungs and took quite a while to settle down.  He had come so quickly, I was sure I had a long time ahead of working to getting him out but no, here he was.  The bag of waters actually broke as he was on his way out. 
Again, thinking I had lots of time, I told everyone not to have the kids come in while I was working so hard (all the kids wanted to witness their brother's birth).  I didn't want them to witness a long period of effort and pain so told everyone to wait before getting them.  My first words after picking Jack up were "get the kids!"  For me time stood still.  I felt as though I looked from the face of my newborn up to the four older siblings in one moment.  They were all standing there, jammie clad, in awe of the this new life.  Obviously there was a minute or two for dad to go up the hall to get them, but when he arrived they were all standing by their bedroom doors waiting.  They had heard me laboring and were waiting for their summons. 
Welcome Alexander Dakota Jack born on June 8th at 3:52am!!  And there we were, a family of 7, so blessed.  What joy that the kids could interact with their brother from just seconds old.  Eliza took a little while to grasp the idea that Jack was now a small person rather than a large, round belly on her mother.  As soon as she got that understanding, she was in line for the holding and helping just like the others.  Josiah got to cut the umbilical cord.  We waiting for quite a while until it had stopped pulsing, then tied it off and big brother did the snip.  10 years Jack's senior, I experienced in that moment that my first born son was much closer to being a man than a little boy.  He took such pride in the responsibility.  I had flash backs of my husband snipping his cord 10 years ago and wondered how many of his own children's cords Josiah will snip one day.  It's hard to believe how quickly time flies.  In just a blink, Jack will be 10 and Josiah will be 20 and I'll probably have a more prominant "crown of glory"! 
It took a while to deliver the placenta.  This was my most painful 3rd stage yet but as soon as it came I felt relief.  Jack was eager to nurse and weighed in at 7lbs 4oz, so much for my 10lb-er, he was my smallest except for Faith.  He was 20 inches long.

Poor Neglected Blog... just a quick note.

I'm still battling the internet/computer issue but my mom left her laptop here with internet access so I decided to take advantage of the opportunity. Praise the Lord we are at the end of this pregnancy and so close to holding our sweet baby boy, Jack. I can't imagine life with another child, we are so full and busy as it is. On the other hand I can't wait to see what this new person adds to the family dynamic and I am so anxious to meet him. Each person is like a new seasoning or flavor added to the bunch and we are really starting to get tasty! LOL!! I'm again looking forward to laboring at home and meeting him in the comfort of my own room in a birthing tub. God knows the exact timing and circumstances but that is the plan. All the kids want to witness their brother's arrival and meet him first thing. It will be interesting to see how this unfolds: when labor starts, how long it lasts, who is there for my support, etc. I can hardly stand waiting and waiting for all these plans to happen as ultimately orchestrated by my Heavenly Father. Soon, Lord, we're so ready!!

A note to Jack:
My dear son, 6th child of my heart,
I am so thrilled you will be joining our family soon. You have pushed me past 40 weeks already but we pray for your arrival every day. It's been 10 years since I welcomed a boy into our family and it feels new again. I can't wait to cuddle you and kiss your sweet cheeks and presumably bald head, and to smell your new smell, and hear your tiny voice. I can't wait to see your first blinking moments as everything around you is brand new. I'm looking forward to breast feeding and diapering and caring for all your needs. I love how your brother and sisters love you so much already and am thrilled to see you interact with them. I have been blessed with lots of "tools" for carrying you with me to all our adventures, life will not be slow for you! It's hard to wait on God's perfect timing for your arrival but I believe this waiting time is more about my trusting Him and being comfortable not getting my way than about any of your development. So, come sweet boy. I love you so much already!! Love, your Mommy

The Ultrasound & a Birthday Party With Baby's Gender Reveal

Saturday we went for the long awaited ultrasound, a little peek into what God has been quietly doing inside me for 20 weeks. Andrew took the day off and the doctor was willing to come in on the weekend in order to make it work for both of us. I chose a naturopathic doctor, who does the ultrasound right in their natural childbirth clinic and can diagnose immediately. A natural childbirth clinic is a great choice for people who are not quite ready to embrace the wonderful comfort and empowerment of a full blown homebirth, but want to take a step towards trusting their bodies and the birth process. (ok, ok, no more plugs for homebirth, onto the story) The ultrasound went picture perfect, a true blessing. The doctor spoke to me as we went along and told me what he was looking for and why, and then, praise the Lord, that everything looked great. He was kind and even talked to the baby as if they were face to face. I had him write the gender on a piece of paper which I planned to reveal at Eliza's 2 year old birthday party the next day. He folded it up and put a paper clip on it. I was on such a high, considering the health of the baby, that it didn't even phase me to be holding the answer to the gender question in an unsecured piece of paper.
Saturday was a full schedule with running up to Portland, juggling the babysitter back home, running back for lunch, off to a basketball game, a quick swim, then off to Church and a very late dinner. Phew!! I didn't want to lose my ultrasound pictures and, of course, the precious gender paper, so I put them on the bar in plain sight, since we'd be gone all day, then I ran off to return the sitter home while Andrew fed the kids and got them ready for the next part of the day. When I returned, not thirty minutes later, I immediately saw the storm surrounding Josiah.

"What is wrong with you?"

"I hate when the girls ruin things for me!"

"What happened?"

"Mia opened up the ultrasound paper and told us what we're having."

Noooooooooo!!! My perfectly crafted plan! The party tomorrow! How will the girls, who couldn't keep a secret in our family, not tell the world before our party? You know, I have very persuasive friends who can read me like a book and I will see them at Church! How can I keep a secret? No, no no!!! This was not the plan people!

Later that night when I generically mentioned this situation to a man at our church who has four children he said, "Yep! That's life with a big family, it never goes as planned." He's right you know, and actually I'm the better for it because life doesn't really go as planned anyway, but we can't help but think it does, at least until we've been a hit a few times. With several kiddos you're just reminded of this fact daily, hourly sometimes!

So I said to my obviously disappointed son, "I'm guessing we're getting a girl based on the frown on your face."

"No, I just didn't want to find out that way."

No? Then it must be a... "Aaaaaaggghhh!!! It's a boy!!!" I shrieked with sudden understanding and delight. That was how I found out that our newest bundle of joy would be a little man. It's been nearly 10 years and my initial emotional response holds true even now, "Do I remember how to raise a baby boy?" Andrew assures me that the only difference is you've got to blow in the diaper first, then wait a few seconds before the change. Got it.

Josiah's comment was fitting, "I still can't believe it's a boy. I thought you forgot how to make them." Oh, God is good, His timing is perfect, but I was beginning to have that same thought myself!

So, I lied my way through basketball and then, *gulp* church. Nice. I tried to be tricky with my answers so as to avoid an actual lie while still not admitting that I did know the gender, but I'm pretty sure I lied to at least a few. Sorry about that folks, it must be the pregnancy hormones that made me do it. :)

Since we were celebrating Eliza's birthday, my big reveal plan was to have her choose between a blue ribboned stuffed animal and a pink ribboned stuffed animal, as I did with Sierra when I was pregnant with Eliza. I'd open the note, whisper in her ear which animal to go get, and it'd be this fun reveal that she would be in charge of. This was a less attractive option now because I'm just not a good faker, and I would have to pretend to read the note or admit up front that we already knew, yada yada yada. (As I'm typing now, I'm thinking really it wasn't that big of a deal and I should have just gone with it, but pregnant brains don't always function normally and, again, I think I'll claim the hormones made me abandon ship.) So, I decided to make Eliza's birthday cake white and add blue food coloring, then we'd cut into it for the big reveal. No blue food coloring left. DOH! I found some blue m-n-m's and figured some of their shells would rub off enough to leave a blue tinge but it didn't spread through the cake and wasn't really enough to show much so I went with plan... what are we on now... C. I put a blue candle and a pink candle on the cake, perfect since Eliza is 2. I told everyone the candle that I lit first was the gender of the baby. So we enthusiastically sang "Happy Birthday" to Eliza and, as she began to get overwhelmed and shy, I lit the blue candle which erupted a large cheer of celebration and sent her into full blown crying and the inability to actually blow the candles out. Thankfully she has older siblings that know the drill and they jumped in to help her. Phew!!
I confessed to everyone the events of Saturday and we all had a good chuckle over it. There were a few there that were in on the news ahead of time as well. Let's just say that a couple of us in this family have our weak spots and that next time (hey, I'm not ruling it out) I'll make sure to put the note in a sealed envelope and I think I'll keep it in my bra!!

***Happy birthday Eliza! I love you like crazy!! I'm so glad we were finally healthy and able to celebrate your day. Just think, next year this time your little brother will probably be crawling all over.***

Trust Me

Praise the Lord we're expecting another baby early this summer. Specifically when, you ask? Aha, I learned my lesson with dear little Eliza who came 13 days after her ESTIMATED due date. Let's go ahead and keep it a general time frame. It's just easier that way. *snicker, snicker* Hopefully after we finish up school for the year but before the public schools are let out (just because I know they are letting out later and later these days!) we'll be holding the newest Nordstrom.

Next week is our ultrasound, but before we get to that I want to share the journey to this point. Over the past year I have felt God pressing in on my heart such a strong desire for a large family. I ran into large families at every turn: swimming lessons, field trips, art classes, grocery shopping, travelling, Craigslist exchanges, everywhere! This gave me the opportunity to ask the mothers all kinds of questions. Despite my desire for more children, I couldn't help but realize my own inadequacies and failures and feared that pursing a larger family would only make those things worse. Did they ever feel the same way? How did they manage life with so many children? What obstacles do they face? Did they ever feel "done" with having kids? Why did they chose to pursue a big family?

Deep down I think my general feeling was that I should get my life all together first and then...

Have you been there? Whatever it is, don't we want to get all our ducks in a row first. "Look, Lord, see my great plan!! See how I've got this all laid out just right. I'm ready now! Lord?" But the testimonies I heard from so many of these moms is that you are given the strength, ability, and grace when you get there, and not before. Could that be true? Do the ducks actually line up behind you? (HA! That's kind of funny in a big family, lots of ducklings kind of way!)

One night Andrew and I were discussing children, my age (just hit 35, the magic "old mom" age where you are at higher risk for everything "bad"), our stage (crazy schedules, at the time zero money coming in), just life in general and whether or not we should make permanent decisions regarding future children. Choosing to have a baby is just as permanent a decision as choosing to have surgery to prevent pregnancy. I laid out several great arguments as to why we should be done, most of them listed above, and a tiny little mention of my desire for more children. My dear hubby disregarded all previous arguments and agreed that he too wanted more kids. Fear seized my heart immediately as all the negative "what ifs" came charging into my heart pointing accusing fingers at me in judgement saying, "What are you thinking?". But in the next moment I heard an almost audible voice say, "Trust Me." That was all, but it was clear and I was instantly at peace. I knew that if I didn't get pregnant that was God's way of saying, "I'm in control, I know you and you are done." I also knew that if I did get pregnant He was leading me down that path and I could trust Him not to leave me.

Three months later I knew I was pregnant and confirmed it with the pee stick test. Two lines. Life is changing. So happy!!

The timing of this pregnancy, though, was the first test before me. Our first baby girl, Faith Petra Joy, had an extra chromosome and the way her body formed was deemed "incompatible with life". This proved to be true as she was born still at 42 weeks. At the time, the likelihood of this happening was less than 1%. Wow, such great odds and still we got hit. This baby is due nearly the same time that Faith was and now, at the "dreaded" 35 years old, these odds have not gotten better for us (I refuse to actually look them up, it's like adding fear fuel to the fire I'm trying to keep extinguished). I couldn't help but ponder if this time of the year was just cursed for us and we'd need to go through a repeat of 12 years ago. I also wondered if God was sort of redeeming the time and giving us a baby in a month where I'm always reminded of how my arms ached for our first child. In a way though, June was sacred, just for Faith, and I was a little disappointed that this new one might overshadow her time since she's not here to say, "Hey! This is my birthday, too!!" Then I remembered, "Trust Me." All the "spaghetti brain" thoughts had to stop. I'd know when we got there if the baby would live, if the baby would be healthy, and even when the baby's birth date would fall.

The next testing time was rather on going for a few months. I had an extended time of spotting, enough that I feared a miscarriage was trying to happen. Frequent trips to the bathroom were a time for Satan to prick my heart with fear and whisper, "Somethings wrong!" Because I am with a homebirth midwife the approach to these matters is a lot more responsive rather than reactive. I could have run in and gotten early ultrasounds and looked for a heart beat but I chose to wait. There were no symptoms of any other problems and I decided that "Trust Me" meant through it all. This pregnancy would either continue or it wouldn't and we'd know soon enough. As the spotting continued, the midwife recommended bedrest and red raspberry leaf tea in case the placenta was just needing to firm up it's attachment to the uterus and my activity level was causing the bleeding. This helped but was hard with 4 homeschool kiddos. Finally as I neared the second trimester it seemed that all spotting was over and we actually heard the little heartbeat. *sigh* This either meant that an unhealthy baby had fought through a miscarriage again or that everything was fine and we'd proceed with a completely healthy pregnancy. "Trust Me."

The third testing time was a hard one. Right at 12 weeks I had met a woman whose estimated due date was the exact same date as mine. Crazy! I even slipped and told her excitedly that we shared a due date. Just a few days later a mutual friend called and said that this woman's baby had passed away. This hit hard as I realized the same could be true of my child at any time. I drove right over to the midwife's house and asked if we could try for a heartbeat again. She welcomed me in and we heard that magical sound of life right away. I celebrated for myself and our blessing but I grieved for the dear family whose baby would not be arriving as planned.

Almost four weeks later, more spotting, bright red, plenty of it. Crap. This is it. The midwife came right over and told me to give her a minute to find the heart beat. I'm not sure if I even breathed and then... there it was. Life. The quick, sweet, little heart, beating away. With no other symptoms I again opted out of an ultrasound. Also, for the first time I opted out of a quadscreen, the test that looks for chromosome abnormalities among other things. I always depended on that test to give me a heads up as we headed to the ultrasound just a few weeks later. This time I realized whatever the test says won't change a thing so I may as well wait for the ultrasound. Also there is a high percentage of false positives and who needs that stress!! "Trust Me."

At each time of spotting I googled like crazy trying to make sure I was aware of any other symptoms, dying to predict the future really. It was interesting that each time I followed a rabbit trail of symptoms and outcomes there were two options that consistently popped up: pending miscarriage or twins. Those two potential realities of either no baby or two babies struck me as a choice. I could worry and fret over a possible loss or I could have my breath taken away in awe of a possible double blessing. I decided to wander down the "what if" road of twins. It's a lot more fun. Obviously in the middle is one healthy baby, but who takes the middle road!

I have no idea what next weekend's ultrasound will reveal but we'll get a little peek into what God has been doing inside me. It will be a time to know more, but still not all. "Trust Me." And so I do, with great hope and expectation. I am trusting you Lord, what are you doing?

Redeemed

I heard a powerful testimony this past weekend, one of healing and forgiveness and overcoming. I love how God can use our most painful experiences, our failures, and mistakes, for His purposes. He redeems them! Today Mia misread her math assignment, quite frankly she assumed she was doing her doubles subtraction work, which is very easy for her. She knows you can just look at the the bottom number and that's the answer. 16-8=8 But, doubles work was yesterday, today the answers needed a different approach. Mia is a hard worker, she gets 100% almost every time, and she takes pride in that. Today, she got most problems wrong. This was devastating. Suddenly, she hated math, she hated school, she did not want to redo the work, she was a bucket of tears and frustration. Once again, the theme of redemption popped into my mind. I always circle the incorrect answers and put stars on the right ones. As the kids correct each mistake, I turn the circles into a smiley face or a puppy depending on my mood. This makes it fun for the kids, they get a secondary "reward" even if they didn't get the first star, and helps clarify which ones have been made right. Today though, I needed to go above and beyond to show her what can happen with old mistakes that are redeemed. Today's marks of error, signs of her mistake, were turned into beautiful princesses complete with starry wands. I cried through the whole thing. What a gift the Holy Spirit prompted me to give her. She was thrilled with the result and I was able to tell her, through my tears, that no matter what happens in her life she can always go to her Heavenly Father for redemption and he will make something beautiful from it.

You always have choices. You can crumple in defeat, and quit when you make mistakes or are hurt. You can hide and pretend they didn't happen. You can lash out and hurt other people, leaving a trail of further devastation behind you. Or you can allow God to change you, redeem you, and use those things for beautiful purposes that He has planned in advance for you.

Lord, my paper of a life is filled with lots of circles. Even the few stars I have are mostly just luck! But I turn myself into you for correction and healing. Make my mistakes, failures, and hurts something beautiful! AMEN!

Birthday #1

It must be hard to be the fourth child but WOW! so much fun, too. Poor Eliza didn't get a blog post on her birthday or one following her party either. But she is much loved and I'd like to share a few pictures from her special day.

We followed our tradition of dedicating our children to the Lord on their one year birthday. Our pastor Steve and his wife Trina came out to the house, as well as family and some good friends. It was also the day several of our pastor's kids went back to college after the Christmas break so I felt like his prayer and his heart were particularly knowing since they've been there themselves and are further down the road. We were blessed!

Here's Eliza with her friend Berlin. They're only 3 months apart (Eliza's older!). Isn't that cute, they're holding hands!

Around the party table ou can see cousin Mackenzie, Mia and her friend Olivia, and Eliza still enjoying her cake.

Gramma Linda helped Eliza open her presents which we finally remembered to get to after almost everybody had left.

I love you sweet child of mine. God is generous in giving us you, my beautiful, wished for child. You are such a joy and gift to our family. You sure do keep me on my toes climbing on everything and running all over the house. Phew! I can't imagine what the future holds for you with your determination.

Love

In honor of Valentine's Day I thought I'd ponder love today. My understanding of love has changed through the years. Romantic love began as an ideal I created. I was completely in control of how Barbie and Ken interacted. As I got older, I tossed around lots of "shoulds" that I thought would create a perfect man and therefore a perfect relationship. A man should take out the garbage daily and work from 8am-5pm, arriving just before dinner to help get the family settled around for the meal. He should lead the family in Bible study and prayer, gathering everyone quietly around the living room, shortly before bed. He should buy flowers on special occasions and even not so special ones, too. He should treat his wife like a princess... a queen even! The list went on.
But as I grew into a real relationship, reality challenged that ideal. I realized I had a choice to either hold on to those ideals and become bitter with frustration and disappointment or allow myself and my love to be purified.

The Bible says one of the curses of Eve's apple eating flub up was that she would desire her husband and he would rule over her. (Now how am I going to get my "shoulds" taken care of that way?!). But, I set about working hard to mold my husband into who he should be from my perspective. I tried gently nudging him towards this mold with subtle hints and loving suggestions for "improvement". When this didn't work I tried everything else: yelling, crying, nagging, "helpful" books, marriage conferences, relationship retreats, etc. etc..

One day I landed on the video series "Love and Respect". This was the first time that I had ever heard that men have a different need than women in a relationship. I recognized my need for love but he was just as adamant that his need was for my respect. Well, with this new information, I realized how far short I had fallen for him as a wife. I decided to work on myself first... and then get back to my man perfecting practices.
Strangely, each time I chose to respect him, to give him room to be himself, to answer gently instead of sarcastically, to allow him to lead his way, etc. etc. it was as if my eyes were opened more and more to the amazing man that was already there. I have realized over the past couple of years that I am becoming more appreciative of art, God's art, creatively displayed in different human beings that do not fit into molds, even within my marriage. I'm so grateful that I began on this new path because it applies to parenting and friendships and working with people in general.
I decided to take this practice of respect to the basketball court. Andrew volunteered to coach Josiah's basketball team this year. You should know that I am the basketball player in the family. I knew that nothing he would do as a coach would be how I would do it. Just as we are polar opposite in every other part of our personalities, we would approach coaching differently, too. I also knew that a critical attitude would ruin the experience for everyone: him, Josiah, and probably the team. So I decided that I would not watch practices, this would limit my opportunities to be critical to just games and I thought I could manage to have tongue control once a week. I'm sure you can guess the out come. First of all, they're all having fun! I knew it. Josiah thinks it's so cool to have his dad as his coach. Second of all, players and parents are happy and praising their coach after every game and practice. In fact it's getting a little overboard... "alright already!" :) Thirdly, other parents on other teams are coming to him telling him what a great job he's doing. (I'm trying not to take this personally, after all they've never seen me coach. HA!) It's amazing how such a seemingly small role, coaching your kid's team, is making such a big impact in people's lives.
So, there is one other benefit that I've gotten to enjoy as a result of my original choice. I'm basking in the glory of being "that guy's" wife. Proverbs 31:23 says, "Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land." It's odd that in the middle of this section about a noble wife, there is a passage about her husband. But I believe her respect for him and her behavior allows him to fulfill all that God has planned for him. She really could make or break him. And, because of his position "at the gate", it is a reflection upon her. I was constantly reminded of this little verse this season and it's been exciting to watch how it all unfolds. Glad I didn't interfere!!

So... It was a Very Merry Christmas After All

So, you were probably wondering if we even celebrated Christmas this year. After all, how could I not write a post about that!!! Um, blogging is hard to get to these days. I have had this post saved to finish up and publish for quite some time now. I know I wanted to add more pictures but in the absence of time I'll just put it out there as is. Enjoy!

I felt a particular pressure this year heading into Christmas but, when I changed my focus from all the things I needed to get done or places I needed to be to what opportunities could I find to bless people, there was a very needed heart change. PHEW! Just in time for the big day, too. Over the past several months I've been looking for God's leading and purposing to be ready to say 'yes' to Him. This ended up applying to the Christmas season as well.

Our family spent a wonderful 3 days up at the Christian Renewal Center and, as always, were blessed with renewal. (who knew!!!) Here's some pictures of our time there. My favorite memory was walking with the kids through the snow and following tracks that were left by all different kinds of animals!

On our post Christmas hike, Josiah climbed up for a King of the Rock pose.

And, not to be out done, Mia did, too!

Sierra enjoyed their fun play ground which was right outside our house. She and Mackenzie played there for quite a while. Cousin time is always a blessing!

Eliza's first Christmas. Wow does time fly!! She had no problem getting the concept of opening presents and enjoying yummy food.

Apparently Mia doesn't get enough school work on a daily basis or else she just loves solving math problems! She had Gramma Linda write all kinds of addition problems over and over again.

It's fun to get away and actually spend some time with family. We played games, the boys did some target shooting and played some basketball, we hiked around camp... it was nice. Merry Christmas!

Why I DO NOT Shop At W*nC* ...even though it's cheaper!

Today, against my better judgement, I decided to hit W*nC* for my last bit of Christmas dinner shopping, instead of the usual S*f*w*y or Fr*d M*y*r. I had just told my sister-in-law that I would never venture there because things always go wrong and the lay out really confuses me. Many times I just haven't been able to find my way to what I need. But, it was a last minute decision. I was right by W*nC*, stuck in traffic, thinking about how much cheaper it would be and maybe it's gotten better since the last time we were there and after all the kids were doing so great. Nevermind that it really was closing in on naptime and come to find out Eliza had actually already fallen asleep in her carseat. I pulled in and began navigating the parking lot traffic.

The trip actually started out pretty good. We got a great parking spot right next to the cart return so coming and going would be quick. Then, to help with the holiday spirit I had us all wear our Santa hats that I had brought. So far so good. I was inspired by a beautiful family with ten or so kids that entered the store before us, all color coordinated and behaving so nicely. I did note that the father was there, too, so I knew that despite their having more than double the amount of kids I had, my job would still be harder, but with our hats we'd win in the cute department.

And so we set off. I had Eliza in the sling so she could fall back asleep if she wanted, a good list to follow and let's not forget our great hats!! I felt kinda proud that I was so prepared for once. Of course the girls got confused on the Exit versus Entrance doors and at W*nC* there's no crossing over to go through. When you're on the wrong side you have to OBEY YOUR MOTHER and come back out and enter through the Entrance. It's ok, we made it in.

Unfortunately Sierra's hat wouldn't stay on right. She was just beside her self trying get it set right and she really wanted the Christmas bell that Santa gave her to stay on the end but that weighted it wrong and made it pull off. Of course her hopping up and down in anger really threw it for a loop but thankfully she chose to stop me right by the discounted green beans and those were on my list for green bean casserole. So I got the beans and adjusted the hat and thought, "All's well that ends well".

I allowed myself to get a little distracted by the huge box of fish crackers I saw on sale out of the corner of my eye. I sent Josiah to go get it, then sent him back when I realized there was no way I'd be spending $6 on fish crackers when we have plenty of regular crackers that everyone would enjoy. We pressed on. As we were approaching produce apparently Mia "inadvertently" stepped on the back of Josiah's shoe which was very annoying to him and he really wanted me to hear about it but I was in the middle of counting out the right number of cans of cream of mushroom soup, thinking about how many bananas we would need and responding to two older women who were just tickled at the sight of our family in the cute Christmas hats. Especially the baby... "where did you get that little hat!!"

List! Where's my list? I was beginning to shop a little "shoot from the hip"-ish and thought the list would solve everything. OK! I began to tell the kids what else we needed in hopes that would distract them from their bickering. No one was listening. A large Hispanic family smiled and laughed at our cute hats. They pointed at Eliza.... "so cute!" I smiled.

Sierra kept grabbing the cart and jumping on trying to get a ride. This throws off my direction because I really can only use one hand to drive between reading the list, getting what I need off the shelf and keeping a hand on Eliza in the sling. This is not a new issue and I guess I can be thankful that I'm not pregnant and having it bang into my tender tummy but still.... "DON'T TOUCH THE CART!!!" Lots of people looked at us. I smiled hoping they'd be distracted by our hats. Worse! They were distracted by Sierra's temper tantrum right in the middle of the tight W*nC* aisle. She desperately wanted a ride, her hat kept falling off, she bumped a water bottle off the shelf, and I was telling her "no, no, no" at every turn. For a four year old it was just the worst day ever and so she plopped herself down and began to sob and cry. Unfortunately for her there was just no time for this pity party so we continued on. "Oh, I don't want to hit your little girl" said a well meaning Christmas shopper since Sierra was partially blocking her road. I was thinking, "Just bump her a little it might motivate her to get up and OBEY HER MOTHER!!!" I gathered up my little puddle of a girl and told her to just put her hat in the cart and hold my hand (I would steer the cart with my hips and elbows). Off we go.

I hadn't decided if I was going to make cranberry sauce or just buy the can but seeing as we were right near the canned fruit aisle I made the decision to just go canned so we could get out of there quicker. "Turn left everyone." "Which way's left?" Oh honestly haven't we learned this? "Turn by the cans.... Look out for that cart! Sorry." It's like it's always our first time in a grocery store.

There was no cranberry sauce on the canned fruit aisle. I went down the canned soup aisle, maybe it's kind of off on it's own because it's not really a fruit once it's made into sauce, right? Nope. I tried the fruit aisle again. These aisle were packed and slow and Eliza had decided she didn't like her cute hat anymore and began pulling it off and throwing it down and squirming in her sling. Fine, no hat and you can sit in the cart now. Great, the cart has no belt. I tried to use the sling as a belt by putting it around her and hanging my purse in it to weigh it down. She wasn't going for that. Meanwhile Sierra decided that she did want her hat again and the issue had reached a new crisis point and her whining and crying had reached a new decibel. Josiah was still trying to tell me about all the annoying things Mia was doing and Mia was bouncing around in the aisles causing cart pile ups left and right. People around me were "tsk-tsking" and all I could think was "maybe the hats will help" so I put Sierra's hat back on and tried to distract Eliza enough to keep hers on. It actually helped for a while and at least we looked cute.

I decided we'd go for frozen cranberries and I'd make the sauce. It's easy to make and I needed ice cream and frozen juice anyway. I had Josiah go for some vanilla ice cream and I went in search of the frozen fruit. Veggies... potatoes... burritos... no frozen fruit. I went around again.

"WHAT KIND OF VANILLA?" a frustrated Josiah yelled across the frozen foods. I sent Mia to tell him he could choose. They both came back empty handed since apparently Mia said, "CHOOSE!" in a mean voice and Josiah was not going to respond to that. After circling the entire frozen foods department three times I knew I needed help so I asked two young WinCo staff members where I might find the frozen cranberries and they looked at me like I was wearing my festive hat in July! You know what... no cranberry sauce this Christmas. Oh the disappointed whining that followed this executive decision. I sent Josiah back for ice cream, "Just choose a vanilla, whatever kind you want, I don't care." *breathe*

As we headed to the check out we were passing the canned foods again and I couldn't help but feel like with one more trip through I could find the blasted cranberry sauce and save Christmas for everyone. Being the hero type, I tried one more time. I studied labels hard, not letting the bickering or whining distract my focus. There was definitely no cranberry sauce there. I left for check out mildly dejected at my failure.

It was about then I realized that I only had three kids. Mia, my independent, distracted child by nature, was missing. I sent Josiah back an aisle begging him to be kind in his pursuit of our lost girl. No Mia. He came back saying a man said, "Are you looking for your sister?" So obviously she'd been spotted. Several people passed us as we stood waiting for her to catch up, "Aren't you missing a one?" I guess we drew enough attention that people knew how many kiddos I was juggling that day. Unfortunately, just before she slipped away, she had taken off her Santa hat so now I had no identifiable clothing to mention to these observant people.

After several minutes we headed towards check out looking up and down every aisle as we went. Then I saw her, up with a clerk in the front, standing with her fists doubled up, arms laced tightly against her chest, face set in the bravest way she could. Our eyes met and you could see the relief. First she slinked side ways towards us then she fully ran. As she got closer the tears she'd held at bay came streaming down her face and I held her right there in the middle of all the chaos and carts and I cried a little, too. The lesson I'd been telling her all these years had hit her heart so there was no need for reminders. I pulled our group into the juice aisle for a little recovery time. Finally everyone was quiet, there was no bickering or whining, our festive hats lay in the cart. So we headed for W*nC* check out... the one where you bag your own stuff. *sigh*

Things went really well actually. The man behind me was so chatty with the clerk that I didn't feel as pressured while I directed the kids and bagged up our stuff. As we pulled away from the check out stand I said, "Hey, let's put our hats back on so we'll be warm outside and we'll look so festive!!" Everyone did and then I noticed the girls were chewing on something. Apparently while I was distributing the groceries between bags they had gathered up all the spilled candies around the candy machine and helped themselves. What a treat!

W*nC* was a trial again to say the least. I can't help but think bad thoughts about it. But, at least it's over and we're set for Christmas dinner.

It's That Time of Year Again

Ya know, Christmas just isn't my favorite time of year. It seems like it carries so many expectations, mostly my own, and the pressure just ruins any "Christmas spirit" for me. It's also a time where Andrew works so much that whatever is going to happen depends fully on me to accomplish, it limits our ability to plan any travel, as well as the extra work around the house and sometimes it's just plain overwhelming. This year I decided I want to change my heart regardless of what happens with my circumstances. So here's some glimpses into what I'm doing...

The last several years I've been paring down the expense of Christmas and that has helped. This year I decided ease up the schedule, too. As I took so many things away I've been able to look at what I do want Christmas to be for us. What traditions do I want to create for my kids? What do I love about Christmas and how can I do those things well?

We're keeping the gingerbread house tradition. You know I've never decorated my own house, I've only ever done these with the kids. I like that the kids work together and getting to see what they come up with. I hope through the years our creations get more beautiful but for now we're doing fine with the $10 store bought kit and tons of candy piled on.

I also decided that I want to be a Christmas baker. I had a neighbor once that always made bread and jam and that was what she gave out each year. First of all it was yummy. But also, her delivery meant we had a little time to chat and connect. I love it! I want to give gifts of myself to people like she did. So this year we made cinnamon spice nuts, a very special dark chocolate fudge, and some Christmas monster cookies. It's been fun deliverying these to neighbors, old and current, and to Andrew's employees. Next year I plan to get a jump on things and stock up the freezer. I only need to figure out how to have an annual baking day with family or friends. I love the idea of doing all this together. What fun!!

This year we started something new. The kids saved money for several months and were able to bless families in need by purchasing a goat and a chicken through World Vision. I haven't given them the thoughtful thank you card that they sent us, it will be a part of their Christmas presents. It was thrilling to see how much these guys could pull together in only a few short months and I hope that this coming year we're able to be even more creative in finding ways to raise more money for this annual gift.

In lieu of an all out gift buying burnout season, we decided to have the kids buy for each other this year. That was fun. I thought they did a good job picking appropriate gifts for each other. We've done little gift exchanges in the past but this year that's all they're getting, so they got a little more to spend. We also got them a few little stocking stuffers and some clothes. I think Andrew's got something for Josiah that's more of a "right of passage" type gift. The goal of all this is to shift the focus from presents to memories. What can we do together that we'll always remember when the things have long since worn out.

One tradition I remember growing up was the St. Lucia Bride, a Swedish practice where the oldest daughter prepares breakfast for the family wearing the Christmas wreath with candles on her head. Having three girls I'm having to modify a bit but I still have special Lucia Bride memories from my own childhood so we will keep this alive!

I've also decided our Christmas dinner tradition will be the Swedish meatballs. My grandmother told me once that this was an old family tradition from way back and since IKEA came into my life and introduced me to those yummy meatballs it was an easy tradition to re-adopt.

Next year I'd like to look deeper at Advent. We've dabbled in it in the past but I'd like to really embrace it. I also think exploring more of Hanukkah would be very educational. The Women's Holiday Dinner really wet my appetite for it this year but I wasn't prepared enough to pull anything together.

I love being with family and if I could have everybody together every year with time to cook age old recipes, take long walks all bundled up, play Scrabble games until we can't think, do craft projects with the kids, sing together and no video games or constant movies being played.... ahhh, I would love it!

I suppose this post is mostly for myself, to help me remember where I'm at and where I'm going. But what are some of your traditions? What matters to you this time of year? How do you balance your own Christmas intentions with all the outside demands? What gifts do you like to give? Inspire me people! :)