Sunday, June 21, 2009

Ten Years

The phrase, "ten years" has been repeating in my head over and over again recently. Like a mantra, taunting me, telling me that I've aged, things have changed, life went on, and she's not hear. On Tuesday it will be ten years since I received my answer from God, that Faith would not be healed and we would have to go on without her. I'm remember that time right now, and for some reason, this year, ten years later, emotions are running very high. Oddly there's been a lot of reminders this year: I've supported a friend through a similar situation and met with her and another friend who also experienced the loss of a baby. I've run into the doctor who delivered Faith and some gals who were in our original Baby Loss group, and just yesterday I bumped into a nurse who was a particular blessing all those years ago. Ten years later, the grief has a different feel, but there's a piece of it still there. I've had days of many tears after years of no tears at all.
Because of my friend's situation I've been pouring over old emails and letters I typed up at the time. It's been wonderful to look back and remember the insights God gave me and how blessed and loved we were. To hear myself share from the perspective of a 23 year old I can't help but feel proud of what God did through me, how I was used, and how my faith grew at such a young age.
I've also had anxiety over how to honor Faith this year. It feels like a significant anniversary date and that I should experience it as that. I've thought of buying 10 bouquets of flowers to give away, releasing 10 balloons, hosting an evening of worship, ordering a headstone so that when I die hers will be all ready to be beside me and I will have picked it out. For some reason I've been putting off actually putting these ideas into action. I hope that by Tuesday I will have at least some wheels in motion.
Recently I was reading a blog from a man that is suffering and praying for God's healing touch. The thought crossed my mind that I didn't get God's healing touch, but I know I caught his eye. He knew my pain ten years ago, he knows what I'm feeling now, he loves me!


Beth said...

Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your pain, Christy. May you experience God's love surrounding you today and especially this Tuesday. You will be in my prayers. Love to you.

SLMW8MAN said...

I always think about Faith when her birthday rolls around. I can't believe it has been 10 years. I love your ideas. Another idea is to give money to a charity in her name. Or to take the other friends out for dinner who also lost a baby. God doesn't always heal, actually it seems he mostly doesn't heal, but he is always good. I am praying for you guys today. You were a wonderful example of faith and maturity.

Lord, lift me above my own narrow horizons, that I might fulfill your true vision for me. - B.J. Hoff