Friday, November 7, 2008

A Chili Night/A Stinky Day

Since the weather has turned a bit more dreary, chili has seemed like such a great dinner option. I already had the Costco size corn bread mix so it seemed like a good option for last night's meal. Unfortunately I had failed to restock my chili supply so I tried a new method for obtaining the desired product; I called and asked Andrew to pick it up on his way home. You see, where we lived before and where the business is in relationship to the grocery store, it just made more sense for me to make a quick run out and pick up whatever I needed. Now, though, he's the only option if we run out. It makes no sense for me to drive into town just for chili. So, we tried it. Despite working a long day, Andrew agreed to pick up some chili. I forget what a creative shopper he is sometimes. When I say, "chili" I don't mean any fancy flavors, or random brands, I mean Stagg's vegetarian. I love the large beans and corn, peppers and tomatoes. Mmmm! Well, by some random blessing he did manage to bring home Stagg's. So, I quickly heated it through, mixed it up and took a little taste test to make sure it was warmed enough. AAaaaaggghhhh!!! FIRE!! My mouth ignited with heat and I quickly ran for some milk. The vegetarian chili is actually pretty spicy for me but this seemed oddly hot. I thought maybe pregnancy had made my mouth more sensitive. After all, I haven't actually had chili in quite some time. Cooling down a bit, I went back to the cans of chili I had opened. Two were actually my familiar vegetarian flavor but I had failed to notice that one was labeled Dynamite Hot! Here's the description on the website:

You're looking hot! Explosive habaneros - the world's hottest chilies - and
fiery Chile de Arbol flavour ignite braised beef, red tomatoes, chopped
onions, seasoned with flame throwing spices. No wonder it's catching fire
with chili lovers everywhere!

Yes, I was ignited and I experienced the flame throwing spices. It was so hot that it didn't even mellow with the two other milder cans I had mixed in already. So, I served Andrew the red hot death and cooked up some more for the rest of us. I also made sure we had plenty of cottage cheese, cheddar cheese and sour cream to add and of course we had milk to drink. The kids still didn't make it through and it was hard for me, too.

Needless to say, there have been some exciting "chili repercussions" last night and today (PEEYOU!) and then I get this silly little email today. Here it is in it's entirety. Enjoy!

P.S. I think this is funny and appropriate enough that I'll risk posting it but it might be mildly offensive to those people who don't appreciate jokes about bodily functions. Hey, sometimes I'm in that camp, too. The timing of it was just too perfect and so I had to share.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. IF you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Hartford, Connecticut.

Frank: ‘Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.’

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge 1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge 3 (Frank) – Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Judge 1 – Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge 2 – Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge 3 – Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Judge 1 – Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge 2 – A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge 3 – Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting @!&&-faced from all of the beer.

Judge 1 – Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2 – Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge 3 – I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge 1 – Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers fresh ly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2 – Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

Judge 1 – Thin, yet bold, vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge 2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge 3 – My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I carped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Judge 1 – A mediocre chili with to much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 – Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge 3 – You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. Screw it. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Judge 1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2 – This final entry is good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farter, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge 3 – No Report


Anonymous said...

We all had a great laugh from that story!!!
Thank you!

SLMW8MAN said...

cute and made me laugh.

Lisa said...

This was so great I had to show it to Tony. Gave us a laugh on a day when we really needed it! Thanks.

Lord, lift me above my own narrow horizons, that I might fulfill your true vision for me. - B.J. Hoff