Thursday, May 8, 2008

Still Wrestling

I may have touched on this before and maybe it's just more depth into the realization for me, but I feel the need to confess some fears and doubts. I find power in confession. What I keep in secret Satan is able to use as a toe hold in my life and a beat me over the head stick. Too quickly, when I keep things a secret that God has revealed to me, I lose sight of the revelation. Well, on with it.

In 1998 & 99, when I was pregnant with Faith, I initially felt that things were what they were. I was dealt the "extra-chromosome-incompatible-with-life" card. How I dealt with it was where my faith had the opportunity to grow. I really wrestled with praying for healing because it wasn't an illness to recover from, so my response was to just trust God's outcome and leave it in his hands. I was then approached by a woman who increased my vision of who God was and how awesome his capabilities were. God was knitting Faith together, he could remove that strand of extra chromosomes throughout her body. But I felt like it was like praying for someone who's already died. Yes, Jesus rose from the dead and while he was on earth he raised a few people from the dead. Does he still raise people from the dead? That was where I was challenged to go. That God is who He was. That thought was incomprehensible, but I walked in it anyway and was blessed for it. So when Faith died and I saw her imperfect body, I knew the answer to my "Will you fix her, Lord?" was, "No." What I sometimes wonder is, was that just part of God's plan, something greater that I'll understand later? Was it a result of a sin laden, imperfect world? Or, did I lack faith? Was there too much doubt in my pleadings to God? Did I hold him back at arms reach and say, "Ok, do what you can."

I know there were times I had great faith, and there were times I was consumed by doubt. I really related to Peter, walking on water and then nearly drowning, within minutes of each other.

I guess my confession is that I still don't fully trust God to move us to the camp and wrap up all the details in the sale of the business and bring a buyer for our house. It's crazy, but these things seem impossible and I'm afraid to hope for such an awesome ministry and a great lifestyle to raise our children in. Beyond that, I even tend to doubt that if we get there we'll even be able to make if financially! On a more personal note, I doubt I'll find a doctor as wonderful as Dr. Morgan, and how can I deliver a baby without my mom and Vicki cheering me on. How could we find a church as great as Salem Alliance?

I think doubts and fears are normal but as we mature and keep giving them to God we experience him meeting us over and over in the midst of them. The more we know him, the less power they have. This is where Satan comes in to slow down our faith growth. He adds weight to the doubts and fears and clouds our picture of who God is.

So, here is my perspective now. God said, "No" to our raising Faith at every step of the pregnancy. From the first ultrasound, to the in depth ultrasound at Emmanuel Lutheran Hospital, to the amniocentesis results, to the very low estimated birth weight, to the heart that had stopped beating, and finally to her lifeless body. Being before God asking for healing and searching the Bible for direction allowed me a new depth of understanding and a close walk with God during that time. Though the answer was "No" I benefited greatly.

Now with the camp, God has actually continued to say, "Yes" at each turn. From the accepted offer, to the loan for the camp, to the buyer found for the business, to the acceptance with American Missionary Fellowship, and even down to the encouragement and support from friends and family. I am still before God asking for his favor and searching the Bible for direction, but Satan constantly reminds me of the possibility that all this could go away, and our sale and deal are still not 100%. Honestly, each time I gain confidence, a new obstacle comes that really sets me back, but we've never faced a closed door. Satan tells me, "This is just like when you had Faith and look at that outcome!" I see how different this is than that. I don't believe this is purely another learning experience, though there has been tons of that! I also know I will see it all more clearly in a couple of months. I believe we are being prepared for action and I'm trusting God for the many details that I can't control.


SLMW8MAN said...

Keep moving forward. I think you guys are doing great. Remember that God has your best in mind and He makes all things good.

SLMW8MAN said...

Keep moving forward. Remember that God has your best in mind and He makes all things good.

Lord, lift me above my own narrow horizons, that I might fulfill your true vision for me. - B.J. Hoff